Years ago my six-year-old granddaughter informed me that she knew everything. It was pretty easy to disabuse her of that belief: I just asked, “Do you know how to build bicycles?” and she looked at me with narrowed eyes for a moment, then smiled, shrugged, and said, “Well, maybe not everything.”
Unfortunately, when we get to be adults, it’s much harder to change our beliefs about ourselves: about what we know, what we’re good at, or what we’re not.
Becoming a better leader begins with an honest look in the mirror
A few years ago, I met a guy, a senior executive, who was completely convinced that he was a good leader. In fact, he thought he was the best leader in his company. No one else at the company agreed. Some people thought he was just OK; many people thought he was ineffective, and a number of people actually saw him as being a terrible leader. In other words, he was scoring himself as an A+ leader, while everyone else was giving him Cs, Ds, or Fs. My observation was in the D to D- range: his focus was almost entirely on himself, and most of his actions were targeted toward making him look good. He regularly made decisions in order to protect himself or enhance his image that negatively impacted other people or the organization.
The sad thing was that, because he was so firmly convinced that he was great, no one was able to help him improve. Any time someone – even his boss – would give him feedback about his negative behaviors, or suggest ways he could become more effective, he would simply dismiss their comments. He assumed the feedback didn’t apply to him because he had such an inflated view of himself as a leader.
In one conversation, I asked him, “What are some things you could work on to become a better leader?” and he spent the next fifteen minutes telling me how he taught a course on leadership at the local college and had won a leadership award from his community, and served as a mentor to a lot of the younger leaders in the company… In other words, from his perspective: nothing. He saw himself as 100% awesome.
Are you a better leader than you think you are?
I also know people who have just the opposite problem: they’re much better than they think they are. One young woman of my acquaintance, who is smart, poised, and hard-working, and who has been promoted three times in the past few years, is convinced that she’s not nearly as good as everyone else thinks she is, and lives in a fairly continuous state of anxiety, convinced that she’ll be “found out” – that everyone will discover she’s an imposter. When people give her well-deserved positive feedback, she dismisses it as “They’re being nice,” or “They just don’t know the truth.”
She lives in a fairly continuous state of anxiety, convinced that she’ll be “found out” – that everyone will discover she’s an imposter. When people give her well-deserved positive feedback, she dismisses it as “They’re being nice,” or “They just don’t know the truth.”
Now, you may be shaking your head and thinking, I’m glad I’m not like those folks. But – is that true? Are there places in your life where you’re convinced you’re great at something, or convinced you’re terrible at something, where you might be incorrect?
To grow as a leader you need to be objective about your strengths and weaknesses
It’s worth some self-investigation because if you’re holding onto an unrealistic idea of yourself, it can really impede your growth or your happiness – just as it has for these people. The I-think-I’m great guy eventually got fired and is now having a hard time finding a job; the I’m-not-as-good-as-you-think-I-am woman is still doing well at work but is starting to experience health problems as a result of her chronic fear and anxiety.
But how, you might ask, do you know if you’re not seeing yourself clearly? Isn’t that kind of like trying to see whether you’ve got spinach in your teeth without looking in a mirror? Fortunately for all of us, there are ways to see yourself more clearly, to “hold up a mirror” to your self-perception.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that people who see themselves clearly do these three things:
1. Notice how they talk to themselves about themselves
You know that you talk to yourself all the time, right? We all do. And that’s where our self-perception lives – in how we describe ourselves to ourselves inside our own heads. For example, think of the last time you didn’t do something as well as you wanted to or thought you should. Maybe you were giving a presentation to a group of colleagues, and you didn’t feel you got your point across. What you thought to yourself right afterward was probably something like, Oh my god, that was awful – I’m so terrible at speaking in public! or else the opposite: I was great – nobody noticed – it was better than any of them would have done.
The main problem here is that whatever you say to yourself, you probably believe it. Whether or not it’s objectively true, and whether or not it’s helpful, we tend to simply accept our inner monologue as fact. We assume we are who we tell ourselves we are – and it really gets in the way of our growth.
Whether or not it’s objectively true, and whether or not it’s helpful, we tend to simply accept our inner monologue as fact. We assume we are who we tell ourselves we are – and it really gets in the way of our growth.
Think of my two earlier examples: their inaccurate and unchallenged self-talk is getting in the way of their success.
2. Assess themselves objectively
So, how to remove yourself from the trap of blindly believing whatever you’re telling yourself about yourself? Step back and get objective. Notice your mental monologue, and rather than accepting it as true, question it. For instance, if that inner voice says You’re a terrible presenter, and you’ll never get better, just notice it as you would if someone else were making that comment, and ask yourself,
- “Is that accurate?
- What facts do I have?”
And then really reflect on the actual facts you do have about your skills as a presenter.
- What response have you gotten from groups to whom you’ve presented?
- Do people seem clearer after you speak, or more confused?
- What feedback have you gotten on your presentations?
- How often are you asked to present?
- Do you generally make the points you want to, or do you have a hard time staying on topic?
Look at the facts you have in a neutral way. Remind yourself that you’re simply looking to find out whether your self-talk is accurate. This is quite different from what we usually do: tell ourselves something about ourselves (I’m great or I’m terrible) and then only look at the facts that support that belief.
Once you get into the habit of questioning your self-assessment, it can be very liberating. Imagine if my thinks-he’s-a-great-leader example had been able to do this; to stop and ask himself, “Am I a great leader? What facts do I have?” And then really look at all the facts – including the negative feedback from others, the high turnover on his team, his boss removing responsibilities from him – rather than just cherry-picking the facts that supported his existing self-image. He might have become more honest with himself, been open to the changes he needed to make, and succeeded in his job rather than getting fired.
3. Find good “sources” to provide honest feedback
Being willing to question your beliefs about yourself, and then to look at whatever facts you have more objectively, will take you a long way toward building the kind of accurate self-awareness that characterizes truly great leaders.
But none of us – no matter how objective – can see ourselves entirely clearly. If you want to see yourself fully, you need to find people in your life who can help you fill in the blanks. We call these “sources”: people who want the best for you, who see you clearly, and who are willing to tell you the truth about yourself. Having even one or two of these folks in your life is incredibly valuable. My business partner Jeff and my son are my best “sources” – they love me dearly and want the best for me…and at the same time, they see me extremely clearly and are more than willing to tell me the good, the bad, and the hard-to-hear.
Sidenote: The “seeing you clearly” part is important: My husband, for instance, definitely wants the best for me and is willing to tell me the truth as he sees it – but I don’t believe he sees me clearly; he thinks I’m nearly perfect. A wonderful quality in a spouse, but it means I need to look for my corrective feedback elsewhere!
One of the best leaders I know – a woman in the process of building a strong and vital business who is much loved and respected by her employees – is also one of the most self-aware. She uses me as one of her sources, and I love how she’s incorporated the discipline of self-awareness into her day-to-day.
When she makes a mistake or lacks a necessary skill, she’s rigorous in taking responsibility for it and working to understand and improve. And when she does something well or learns something new, she fully acknowledges and celebrates it. I’ve noticed that her truthfulness about herself is inspiring the same kind of self-reflection and honesty in her team, and helping to create an environment of open debate and rapid growth.
Her truthfulness about herself is inspiring the same kind of self-reflection and honesty in her team, and helping to create an environment of open debate and rapid growth.
Yes, it can be uncomfortable, disorienting, and even painful to question your self-beliefs and start to build a more accurate picture of yourself. But the upside is tremendous; it’s the foundation for real happiness, true growth, and powerful leadership.
